a borderline teacher: Trying to explain

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Trying to explain

On Saturday night, I decided to take my old entries offline and then, on Sunday, I wrote the previous entry. Shortly afterwards, I checked my email and found that comment under the post with the Ichneumon fly picture.

I was fairly surprised that anyone would be so vindictive and unpleasant but, as the other comments, emails, phone calls and texts arrived over the next couple of days, I knew that one person’s cruelty and anything that I may have to deal with as a result didn’t matter in the greater scheme of things.

I have received emails from some people, asking why I have taken my old entries offline and saying they are disappointed because they found my blog helpful and they think it is unfair of me to hide my past by removing the entries. They asked if I am ashamed of my illness. I am writing this entry to reply to them and the others who have been so supportive.

I am moving my diary back to Live Journal, where I feel safer in the knowledge that it is “friends only”. I have mainly enjoyed being able to be open and honest to the world about my good and bad sides and try to show people my path to recovery via this blog. Now, however, my feelings have changed. I removed the old entries on Saturday night because, as I wrote on Sunday, I can’t afford to look back anymore. I need to look forward and my blog contained too much of the past I am moving on from.

Since receiving the comment on Sunday, I am sure that I have done the right thing. There are too many people out there who, for whatever reasons, want to prevent me from moving on and I certainly don’t feel happy thinking that they can look into my inner thoughts. I struggle to tell how I feel in therapy, but I have always found I am able to do this in writing and my blog has been an amazing therapeutic tool. It is for those reasons that I am returning to LJ, where I am now going to write all about this fantastic, incredible and soul-restoring week.

I will not close this blog because I hope to continue to use it for certain things, but maybe not for a while and never again to tell my innermost feelings.

17 Comments:

Anonymous smiffykins said...

cat i am so upset for you that this has happened. i have felt really priveledged to witness ur journey via ur blog. i will miss seeing how u get on. i hope 'teacher' thrives and the inner person also loses the traumas attached to being borderline. take care in life and keep fighting.

10:07 pm  
Blogger R said...

Just to echo what smiffykins said, I'll miss reading your blog so regularly.

I'll definitely be checking here pretty regularly to see what's new...

Take care of yourself,

R

10:46 pm  
Anonymous Vicky said...

Yep, me too! Have really enjoyed hearing how you are going, and I wish you all the best. Will keep checking...

10:49 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cat, I know how you're feeling.

The blog I kept up was an outlet and a kind of project I wanted to work on -- but the significant other that's moved in again crept up on me last night while I was posting & I can no longer post on the Purge blog secure in the knowledge that I can let it all hang out.

In the process of deleting all associated with the blog. It's not only troublesome, it feels like several months of "me" and a work in progress are down the tubes -- and it messes with my connections with other bloggers who have supported me through some tough times.

I'll have to work out some way not to "disappear" in terms of bpd journalling and contacts -- but to retain my privacy in terms of barring those who know me in everyday life from prying.

:-)) I'll keep in touch -- Ms Jane

11:46 pm  
Blogger Cllr Graham Smith said...

FWIW, I think you have done the right thing by erasing earlier entries.

You are a different person now and a sure sign of this is your willingness to put the past behind you as you seek to plan and act out your future destiny.

Thank you once again for being prepared to share your experiences, thoughts and feelings with us in such an entertaining way. The way you express yourself is very engaging and, I believe, is a mark of a great teacher. You are a very talented individual.

9:29 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good on you for doing what's right for you.

n_n xx

9:35 am  
Blogger TP said...

In the end we blog because we want to, and we can stop whenever we want to too.

It's been a privillage to read about your experiences. I know you will succeed.

11:05 am  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Cat,
I'll still be following your blog on LJ.
Take care
Polar

6:51 pm  
Blogger Hannah said...

Cat,
your blog has been a great source of encouragment to me .. you can get thew the diffecult times .. Au Revior Hannah Xx

8:07 am  
Blogger Matty H said...

take care

12:32 pm  
Anonymous Mental Nurse said...

Will miss your blog Cat.

Best of luck.

Mental.

1:26 pm  
Blogger Anne said...

I'll miss you - I wish you all the best - I admire how you are handling all this - take care and thrive!
Anne

9:24 am  
Blogger Alastair said...

Now I understand. There are some truly evil people around. Thanks for sharing what you did, it really helped me to come to terms with my own sickness. Good luck!

12:42 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good luck Cat!
It is nobody's business what you have done in the past!
best wishes,
henderson Hospital Bloke;-)

2:20 pm  
Blogger frost said...

its your blog, do what you want with it, and if some fool os harrasssing you inform the police and let them deal with them

1:09 am  
Blogger R said...

Just to say I hope all is well. I'm missing your blog...!!

R
:-(

12:44 am  
Blogger katesun said...

Hi Cat,

I will miss you . I just started reading a few months ago . I hope all your dreams come true

Kate

9:56 pm  

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